remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
