i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
