Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
