Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
That accounts for only three of the penises
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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