ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My vagina is officially offended.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
