i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
