That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
