I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize