no, he came in my armpit
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
