did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize