I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
