He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
