she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
