My underwear smells like fireworks.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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