There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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