Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
