I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
