dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
