he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize