I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
