1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Lo siento on account of my penis...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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