Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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