Taylor Swift is so right about you.
thus making me awesome and them whores
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i drank out of a bidet.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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