When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
