just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
