I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
