I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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