He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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