I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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