It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
