no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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