you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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