I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
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