The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
