Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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