and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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