i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
