I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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