I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
