It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
