I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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