how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
