the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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