My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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