im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
