So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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