so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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