it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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