Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
