3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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