She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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