He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
