I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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