drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
