my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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