You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
