I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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