Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
