Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
