please come you make the beer taste better
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
