the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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