I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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