At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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